When It Keeps Starting and Ending: The Cycle That Hurts More Than a Breakup

In the words of Sabrina Carpenter during her most recent Coachella performance: “If anyone here has ever been in a relationship that starts and ends and then starts and ends… and then starts and it ends… And then maybe it starts again and then ends again?” That kind of connection hits the core of your attachment system. Because maybe you were never “officially” in a relationship… but that “breakup” still hurt deeply. Every time. They start to pull away and you, already a little anxious ball of sunshine, start wondering: What is happening? Did I do something wrong?

You find yourself checking your phone more often. Waiting for a call. A text. Something that tells you the connection is still there… that nothing has changed, but nothing comes. A day goes by. Then three. A week. Maybe two.

And even when you finally reach out: “Hey, I noticed you’ve been quiet, is everything okay?” You’re still waiting. Then, almost like a release, they respond. They apologize. They say they’ve just been busy. They tell you it’s nothing and you feel your body start to settle. You exhale: “Okay… we’re okay.” But if you’re honest, something still feels off. Your body hasn’t fully caught up. There’s still a quiet tension underneath it all. And then… it happens again. Distance. Chase. Repair… Distance. Chase. Repair.

A cycle that keeps repeating itself.

This dynamic is often described as an anxious-avoidant cycle. One person starts to pull away when things feel too close, while the other feels the distance and moves in closer to restore connection. Neither person is “wrong”, both are responding from patterns their nervous system has learned over time, but that doesn’t make the cycle any less painful. What you’re experiencing isn’t “being too much.” It’s your attachment system being activated. Two nervous systems, both activated, both responding in ways that feel familiar… even if they’re painful. Because sometimes what feels familiar also feels like “home” to the body. Even when it hurts. Even when it feels like something is being pulled apart inside of you every time they leave.

And over time, this cycle can start to feel normal. Even expected. But connection isn’t supposed to feel like something you’re constantly trying to hold together on your own. You deserve consistency. You deserve clarity and you deserve a connection that doesn’t leave your body in a constant state of waiting.