Mother’s Day and the Emotions We Don’t Talk About
I want to talk about Mother’s Day. Y como soy Mexicana Americana, tengo la oportunidad de celebrar a mi mamita dos veces cada año.
Mother’s Day has always felt bittersweet for me for many reasons. My mom passed away a little over 9 years ago, and while I’ve learned how to navigate my grief, there’s still a part of me that deeply misses having my mom around.
Another part of me also feels relief… relief that she no longer has to suffer from chronic kidney failure or the depression that slowly took over as her health declined. My mom was a badass and one of the hardest workers I knew. She was always doing something, always moving, always caring for others. And when her body started failing her, I watched her mental health decline too.
There’s also a small part of me that feels relieved that I no longer have to navigate the complicated relationship we developed as I entered my 20s while she was sick. Being a caregiver was never something I imagined for myself, but at times I became one of her main helpers. Often, I received the heat of her frustration, pain, and depression.
And if I’m honest, that hurt me deeply. I remember thinking: “Why is someone I’m trying to help treating me this way? Especially that someone being my mom.”
Now, with time, therapy, and reflection, I can understand the psychological impact chronic illness and loss of independence can have on a person. But understanding something does not erase the impact it had on me. Intent does not negate impact.
For a long time, I realized I was angry. Angry at how she treated me sometimes. Angry that she left. Angry that grief and caregiving changed our relationship in ways I wasn’t prepared for.
But grief is complicated. Love and resentment can coexist. Relief and sadness can coexist. Missing someone deeply while also acknowledging the pain within the relationship can coexist too.
And despite all of it, I still love my mom endlessly. I hope she is resting peacefully. She lived a full life, loved deeply, sacrificed endlessly, and shaped so much of who I am today.
So this Mother’s Day, I also want to acknowledge the people whose relationships with their mothers feel complicated. The people grieving mothers they loved deeply. The people grieving relationships they wish could have been different. The caregivers. The cycle breakers. The people holding both love and pain at the same time.
You are not alone in that complexity.
Y está bien, mija… puedes sentir todas esas emociones. Te puedes sentir enojada, y eso no significa que no quieras a tu mamá. Tus experiencias y tus emociones son válidas.
Creo que esa es una de las cosas más difíciles de aceptar sobre el duelo: que puede existir amor junto con enojo, tristeza junto con alivio, y gratitud junto con dolor. Las emociones no siempre se cancelan entre sí. A veces simplemente coexisten.